"But when the time came, Josie wanted to stay that one more night to watch the next morning’s competitions. She pleaded with her Mom to make her Dad say yes. But M said, “You’re going to have to be the one to ask him.” More pleading. More Mom standing her ground. So she did, and of course he said no, insisting that this was “family time” and he’d already given up a day. It’s a three hour drive. She whimpered in the back seat for a while, then was quiet and I’d watch her bereft face, anguished in the rearview. We pulled into the driveway after dark. Nonni asked if she wanted one of us to walk her to the door. “No, I got this.” She got out of the car, settled her backpack, took a deep breath. She got to the door and we could see her paste her smile on just before she rang the bell. I’d seen that move before. She was two weeks shy of eleven."
I'm sorry but I'm not sure exactly what the point of this was. Why wouldn't mom help her daughter convince Dad to say yes to another night the meet? What would be the problem with that? Forced independence like this doesn't seem healthy. Nor does a child being trained to put on a performative smile for an adult. I came here from your comment on Mike Males' post and while I agree with what you're saying about technology in this article, there were other parts that made me raise my eyebrows.
The "restaurant voice" part also made me uncomfortable because I imagine little kids who are that obedient and demure in public being subject to severe punishment behind the scenes since kids are naturally high energy and excitable unless forcibly suppressed. Maybe this has to do with how I was brought up but my instinctive reaction to the "hand on table" gesture was as a threat of being hit if the kid didn't quiet down. I do apologize if this is offensive. Marian's parenting style as described here seems kind of harsh to me overall with so much holding ground against a child's distress. It reminded me unpleasantly of Amy Chua's tiger parenting. I recognize that what I'm writing here probably contains assumptions colored by my own upbringing but I'm genuinely confused and would appreciate clarification.
Oh no! Marian's style is quite far removed from Chua's tiger mom, but I can see where you might be concerned, focusing in on those passages. Regarding restaurant voice -- one of the things that astonished me about Marian was how she could get little kids to behave without every threatening or scolding -- she knew how to make it a game, how to get them to laugh and giggle while nudging them into appropriate behavior. We ate out at least once a week from the time Josie was an infant until she was in high school and we always made sure that if she wasn't the full center of attention, at least one of us adults was making sure to include her. So "restaurant voice" developed organically, with little hints every time we went out and lots of praise when Josie got it, but never scolding when she was too rambunctious. What I learned from Marian was that even pre-verbal kids could learn appropriate behavior with a very gentle touch. The issue with the gymnastics meet is more complex and requires more backstory about the relationship with her Dad. Josie was the product of a one night stand. Marian made no demands on him, but hoped he would want to be a part of Josie's life. Instead, he fled, didn't bother to even try to meet her until she was four. By then he'd sobered up, met a god-fearing (in the worst way) woman that he would marry and who pushed him to contact the child he'd abandoned. Again, Marian generously wanted him to be a part of Josie's life, but within months, he and his wife sued for complete custody. I spent thousands on lawyers over two years to get a shared custody agreement that insured that Marian had control. The father got Jo every other weekend. His rules were very strict and very demanding. If she didn't toe the line, she was subject to his anger. By the time of the anecdote about the meet, she'd been negotiating the disparity between the unconditional love of her mother and the rule-bound world of her dad for several years. Marian knew that Josie was going to have to learn to stand up to him over time, and while she often did intercede, she also knew that Josie needed to come to terms with him on her own and understand that when he said No to her, it was to her and not just to her Mom. Josie's putting on her game face when she got out of the car at his house was because she'd learned how to behave in order to avoid his anger. We ached for her. No, it's not healthy to be forced into that kind of behavior. Fortunately, she only had to deal with him every other weekend. By her early teens she was strong enough to push back more and establish more independence. She and I talked about those years and she said that while she still feels some scars and she knows that the relationship with her dad has made her more conflict averse than she might be otherwise, she doesn't think it did her any significant damage. And we attribute much of that to a mother who knew when to push and when to pull back and who never gave Josie a moment's doubt that she had her mother's (and her grandparents') unconditional love.
Well-said overall.
"But when the time came, Josie wanted to stay that one more night to watch the next morning’s competitions. She pleaded with her Mom to make her Dad say yes. But M said, “You’re going to have to be the one to ask him.” More pleading. More Mom standing her ground. So she did, and of course he said no, insisting that this was “family time” and he’d already given up a day. It’s a three hour drive. She whimpered in the back seat for a while, then was quiet and I’d watch her bereft face, anguished in the rearview. We pulled into the driveway after dark. Nonni asked if she wanted one of us to walk her to the door. “No, I got this.” She got out of the car, settled her backpack, took a deep breath. She got to the door and we could see her paste her smile on just before she rang the bell. I’d seen that move before. She was two weeks shy of eleven."
I'm sorry but I'm not sure exactly what the point of this was. Why wouldn't mom help her daughter convince Dad to say yes to another night the meet? What would be the problem with that? Forced independence like this doesn't seem healthy. Nor does a child being trained to put on a performative smile for an adult. I came here from your comment on Mike Males' post and while I agree with what you're saying about technology in this article, there were other parts that made me raise my eyebrows.
The "restaurant voice" part also made me uncomfortable because I imagine little kids who are that obedient and demure in public being subject to severe punishment behind the scenes since kids are naturally high energy and excitable unless forcibly suppressed. Maybe this has to do with how I was brought up but my instinctive reaction to the "hand on table" gesture was as a threat of being hit if the kid didn't quiet down. I do apologize if this is offensive. Marian's parenting style as described here seems kind of harsh to me overall with so much holding ground against a child's distress. It reminded me unpleasantly of Amy Chua's tiger parenting. I recognize that what I'm writing here probably contains assumptions colored by my own upbringing but I'm genuinely confused and would appreciate clarification.
Oh no! Marian's style is quite far removed from Chua's tiger mom, but I can see where you might be concerned, focusing in on those passages. Regarding restaurant voice -- one of the things that astonished me about Marian was how she could get little kids to behave without every threatening or scolding -- she knew how to make it a game, how to get them to laugh and giggle while nudging them into appropriate behavior. We ate out at least once a week from the time Josie was an infant until she was in high school and we always made sure that if she wasn't the full center of attention, at least one of us adults was making sure to include her. So "restaurant voice" developed organically, with little hints every time we went out and lots of praise when Josie got it, but never scolding when she was too rambunctious. What I learned from Marian was that even pre-verbal kids could learn appropriate behavior with a very gentle touch. The issue with the gymnastics meet is more complex and requires more backstory about the relationship with her Dad. Josie was the product of a one night stand. Marian made no demands on him, but hoped he would want to be a part of Josie's life. Instead, he fled, didn't bother to even try to meet her until she was four. By then he'd sobered up, met a god-fearing (in the worst way) woman that he would marry and who pushed him to contact the child he'd abandoned. Again, Marian generously wanted him to be a part of Josie's life, but within months, he and his wife sued for complete custody. I spent thousands on lawyers over two years to get a shared custody agreement that insured that Marian had control. The father got Jo every other weekend. His rules were very strict and very demanding. If she didn't toe the line, she was subject to his anger. By the time of the anecdote about the meet, she'd been negotiating the disparity between the unconditional love of her mother and the rule-bound world of her dad for several years. Marian knew that Josie was going to have to learn to stand up to him over time, and while she often did intercede, she also knew that Josie needed to come to terms with him on her own and understand that when he said No to her, it was to her and not just to her Mom. Josie's putting on her game face when she got out of the car at his house was because she'd learned how to behave in order to avoid his anger. We ached for her. No, it's not healthy to be forced into that kind of behavior. Fortunately, she only had to deal with him every other weekend. By her early teens she was strong enough to push back more and establish more independence. She and I talked about those years and she said that while she still feels some scars and she knows that the relationship with her dad has made her more conflict averse than she might be otherwise, she doesn't think it did her any significant damage. And we attribute much of that to a mother who knew when to push and when to pull back and who never gave Josie a moment's doubt that she had her mother's (and her grandparents') unconditional love.